So a friend of mine challenged me to write about my experience with online dating sites. Which put me on the spot, but in a good way. I'm used to hiding what I say in my writing behind the imagery of the poetic world or behind dramatic storylines. I'm not used to writing honestly about my own life. That's not to say I can't talk honestly about my life, I'm just not used to writing about it. And lets face it, although I'm not uncomfortable about online dating sites its just not generally a very masculine thing to be talk about. But, I hear you cry, masculinity is generally not something that stops you from doing what you want to. And you're right, I cry at films, I like the occasional chick flick and I can't stand the taste of beer. But I think sometimes men don't like to talk about how we truly look for love and companionship. Men will talk for hours about how they romanced this woman or that woman or the other. Especially if it shows some strength on their behalf. But we seldom like being vulnerable in this area, except in private with a close friend or with the very woman we've come to love.
So I find it difficult to talk about it.
Because in some ways it relies on admitting the fact that sometimes I get lonely. Thats why I'm on a dating site after all. I long for companionship, I get lonely, I wish I was married. I'm 28 and unmarried and not even a girlfriend on the horizon. And although I have faith that God will come through with a woman for me sometimes I question if its even his plan for me.
But what I found from being on dating sites is how amazing God is, how full of variety this world of ours is. I have talked to people who've been through so much and are still believing for amazing things to happen in their life. I have talked to people who have truly enriched my life. And its helped me grow. I understand myself better. God has shown me things about who I am that I never would have thought otherwise.
He's shown me how sometimes I get so lonely that I look to the world so much more that to him. How I'm much happier with pretending sometimes that I'm getting somewhere with someone than actually trying to put my heart on the line. How when I do get married, its going to cost, that being in love on that level is the greatest challenge anyone can have in their life. That love like that when it comes to fruition, isn't about me. Its not about a checklist of demands from God that I've had in my heart since I was young. That its not about a wishlist that if I find all of the wishlist encapsulated in female form will make me happy. Its about the other person. Its about giving up self, including the demands I have over how the other person should be. Its about letting God define who I'll be with for the rest of my life because he knows me better than anyone. Its about learning to wait patiently for what has been planned for me.
I've learnt that I want to be a husband. Through mistakes and internet friendships and relationships that didn't work I've learnt that I want to be there for someone. That a lot of the boredom I sometimes deal with in my life is because I was made to serve my fellow man. I was made to love my future wife as Christ loved the Church. And although that is not something to be taken lightly, its what my heart longs for. And without it, my heart sometimes feels like its not living out the full purpose that I was made for. I've learnt that I'm not ready but that that's okay because I never be truly ready. That love is a risk, that this is stepping out into the ether and just God will come through and that one day I will look back on my life and be amazed at how God always had it all planned out.
Online dating, my experience? My experience is needing to come on a dating site to understand the very reason that I entered a dating site in the first place. My experience has brought me a few special people that I would happily call friends. And I am a better man because of it. I'm also a more broken one but as brokeness is truly the key to being rebuilt, I'm glad I was broken. And that he's rebuilding me. And one day I won't go on online dating sites because I'm pretty sure my wife won't approve.
And in case any of you are wondering, the friend who challenged me to write this blog is one of the special people I met online. And as a result of that I've finally talked about some of this. So thanks for the challenge. You might have been wanting something more amusing, maybe crazy stories about the weird people who we both know are out there but it turned into this. I hope you're not disappointed.
